God has changed my very being by opening up my heart and, more importantly my eyes, to feeling the things that break his heart every day and seeing the world from a different view. My world has completely collapsed, caved in so to speak. Have you ever reached that point where controling your own life just becomes too big to manage? You are overwhelmed with stress and the pressures of being successful in our fast pace society.
I was there. Three years ago. I will never forget my breaking point. Everything I had wanted for my life had failed me. Gymnastics had come crumbling down in a very emotional and stressful way, causing me to doubt even my own identity. My romantic relationship had completed crashed, and I wanted to escape my own life. I knew there had to be more to my life. I knew I wasn't fulfilling God's calling for my life. Our culture and Satan stole me from dreaming God dreams. I had turned into my worst enemy. I had allowed my pain and anger to take over my life. Satan had fed me lie after lie, filling me with anger, hatred, pain, self-doubt, and negativity. I was done. I had HAD IT. I needed out, and all I could think of was to pray and to rid my life of all the negative. I would like to say it was easy and it happened overnight. I'd also be completely lying. Over the course of the year following me falling to my knees and asking God to show me the right way, I slowly began to tear down the walls, repair all the damage that people and circumstances had caused, and to give my life completely over to God.
Words can not express the gratitude I have for Jesus and for how He stepped in and worked every last detail out. The things I used to stress about (money, job security, getting married) have diminished, and the pain that used to consume me has been replaced with true happiness and everlasting joy that only can come from Jesus.
Eight months ago, I finally listened to God's calling on my life to give more of myself to Him, by going and blessing others in another country. My life has never seemed more fulfilling. No gymnastics award or school success has ever amounted to the sense of REAL accomplishment I have experienced in Nicaragua and South Africa. I realize TRULY how much God has blessed me with, how I am not lacking or hurting for anything, and that He has never left my side and has a successful life in store for me. The word success has even changed. Success is not meaused by how much money I make, what kind of house I live in, or what kind of car I drive. Success is measured by how many people's lives I can change by showing them God's love. Success is being a God girl; one that loves and follows Him wherever He takes me. I am learning to be intentional about everything that I do, making the moments count, and looking for areas to serve others in.
I still struggle, in so many ways. My life has actually gotten harder, putting forth much effort into listening to God and trying to live for Him with every aspect of my life. My heart is still broken, but broken for different reasons. God gave me a new heart, but my new one is in two other countries. My heart is with my little boys, Moises and Obed. A piece is with NRN and Horizon International. A piece is with my hurting, lost country here. I constantly have to remind myself that I can not fix everything in this world, but I can start with one person at a time. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about the people and children I love in Nicaragua and South Africa. I can't escape the passion that fills me, the Holy Spirit. The worldly things I used to crave are gone and I crave God moments. I crave feeling His Presence, His hand, His touch, guiding me down the correct path.
This weekend has never seemed more real to me. Jesus is in fact alive and well. I have seen him. I have seen him in the people and children of Nicaragua and South Africa. I see Him in their smiles, and I see them in their broken hearts. I saw Jesus yesterday in a dish washer at Paradise cafe. He is here, I feel Him, and I long to stay close and connected to Him. My life has forever changed because of Him and how He gave His life for me. I only hope to make him proud, a proud daughter of His God girl.
Love you guys. Have a blessed Easter. Please stop and remember how much you really are LOVED.
Meghann
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