Well… I sure have missed this place. This place I find myself in: a quiet house, a peaceful moment, with nothing on my mind. No pressing issues, my homework done for the week, and NO AGENDA.
Yes, I said homework. ALOT has happened since my last post.
QUICK RECAP:
1. I have a new job. And I might add I LOVE it. I could write a whole blog about how amazing Cornerstone is and how incredibly supportive my co-workers are, but I'll save that for another time.
2. I am in grad school. Between projects, tests, homework, and working full time I have found little time to devote to writing. Tonight I just HAD to sit down and let it all out! :)
3. I am buying a house! :) Should be closing in the next two weeks! It's in West Lafayette, close to both of our parents!
So, yes, when I mean alot has happened since my last blog post in Decemeber..
ALOT. HAS. HAPPENED.
Alot has been happening in my life ever since I really commited my life to Jesus about 3 years ago. I scan the blog entries I have written and they simply amaze me. God amazes me with His faithfulness He displays by simply expressing Himself through my life and His blessings He has given me.
It's funny because my whole life I grew up thinking I knew who God was and what it meant to be a "Christian". To be honest, for YEARS, I simply thought saying the words, " I believe in Jesus" and actually believing those words meant that I was a "Christian". I thought my actions and having relatively high morals set me apart as a "Christian". I thought attending church somewhat regularly and having a few verses memorized meant I was a "Christian".
Tonight I was cleaning and I came across two books, oddly placed next to each other; an old journal dated Freshman Year 2006 and Not A Fan by Kyle Idleman. And when I tell you I never remember the old journal, I seriously don't remember it at all. I don't remember writing in it, I don't remember even seeing the turquoise leather bound book, EVER. Not A Fan was a Christmas gift this year, so it was shocking to me that a journal from my freshman year of college was next to it.
I skimmed through the pages, reading bible verses, prayers, and sermon notes/FCA notes I had taken at Mizzou when I lived in the dorms.
One page really stuck out to me. Not necessarily because of the words written on the page, but the words that were written at the time they were written. College was a very tough time for me; nothing I expected. Looking back on it, I felt that God wasn't there with me and that I was very distant from him with all my time being consumed with gymnastics.
The journal is dated July 30th, 2007.
To give you alittle background, I had just finished my freshman season; one that I had gotten my coach fired for sexual harassment and my head coach was threatening to pull my scholarship for the next year. It was a VERY stressful time for me. I remember feeling very alone and lost.
Here are the words written on the page:
"Church yesterday was an anwser to prayers. It made me look at my life with a perspective that I haven't been able to see in a very long time. I have most certainly been blinded for quite some time about my life and how I am living it. This summer I have been making excuses for myself; comparing how I was living to how others live, which in turn made me look as if I were living much better than most people. Truthfully I am at a a very low point in my life, or was until now. I have been so wrapped up in EARTHLY things, so wrapped up that I haven't devoted any time to what really matters. You God. I have come to realize you Lord have been missing from my days. I have pushed you out. Lord, Help me to realize you are in control of my life, and you alone are in charge."
I don't remember ever journaling in college, especially journaling prayers and confessions to God about how I was living my life.
What amazes me most about this entry is God's faithfulness prevailing. It's been 7 years since that low point I talked about on July 30th, 2007. I'd love to say that after that prayer and hitting that low point I dramatically changed my life and gave it all over to Jesus. I hit an even LOWER point, 3 years later after that, but since that honest prayer entry God was at work. God never stopped working, and He used all that happened within all those 7 years to get me to where I am now, which brings me to my next point.
If you haven't read Not A Fan, I highly recommend it. I'm reading it for the second time. My journal entry clearly shows that I was missing something; searching for something. God was at work in my heart and I was reaching out, trying to figure out what exactly was misisng.
One would have looked at my life and said, "Meghann isn't missing a thing." I had a full ride scholarship at a D1 school. I was doing the sport I loved, and studying and learning. I had the support of a loving faily. I was 19, with the world at my finger tips. I could choose to be anything I wanted to be, yet I was reaching out to God because I was missing something. How did I know I was missing something?
I believe we all know that we are missing something. We aren't living the lives we were meant to experience here on earth. Since the fall of Adam and Eve, we have been missing our direct connection to God, which I could explain in a whole different blog post. But through all the years of praying and searching for the anwser to what that void in my life was, God has finally brought me to the place I am now; having that right, intimate relationship with Him that I never knew was possible.
I don't just say, "I'm a christian, I believe in Jesus." I show with my life, my actions that Jesus is everything I have. I'm not sure exactly how to explain it, but for me, Jesus is the reason I wake up in the morning, the reason I love my job, and the reason why I will be a great mother and wife someday. Jesus has allowed me to see Him, feel Him, and bring Him to people around the world. I'm not just a FAN of Him, putting a Jesus fish sticker on the back of a car, I'm a true follower.
I get it. FINALLY. I can see. I notice the little things. I appreciate more. I love more.
It has been a process. I have grown apart from people I have known my whole life. People have thought the changes were too drastic, but God has prevailed. He has been faithful. He has brought me friends that do understand and support. He has brought understanding to family. And he continues to change my heart and to teach me things I never knew about myself, about Him, and about how to live this life that isn't even mine.
I think all of us as humans just want to figure out what our purpose is in this lifetime. Why are we here?What am I here to do on this earth? I'm here for Him, to show others and teach others about Him. I'm not perfect and it just shows how amazing God is that He uses ordinary women like me when you accept His invitation to be used for Him.
I'm in awe of what He has done and what He contnues to do. I have experienced more in my short 26 years of life than I could have ever dreamed. I have done things I am incapable of doing alone.
And that is exactly why I know it is God.
I'm not a fan.
I'm His follower.
Who are you; just a fan, or His follower?
Lord, I pray for those reading these words that you would open up their eyes, ears, and heart to know you more. Speak into their lives and let them know why they are here; what their purpose is. Help them to feel your love. To know you are real; walking with them every second of their days.
It's so easy to forget you are there; to forget what truly is important. Thank you for your never ending love and undeserving grace.
Much love,
Meg
