Set a fire, Keep it ABLAZE.

Have you ever tried to plan out your life? Most of us are in a constant state of planning. We are taught planning as little children. In elementary school we plan and prepare for middle school. In middle school we are preparing and planning for high school. In high school we plan for college. We get to college and we plan out grad school or job internships, career paths, etc. We plan on meeting the perfect person, plan on what kind of wedding we will have, how many kids will be had, what kind of dog you are going to own, your next car after the lease is up. We plan and schedule out our vacations during the year months in advance. We plan out holiday seasons; where we are going for Christmas, what we are cooking for Thanksgiving dinner, what birthday gifts we will get our loved ones.
I have a giant calendar with all my assignments for my grad classes. A mini marathon in Sept is planned out and on the schedule. Tests are on the schedule. A wedding in May, followed by my baby sister's 17 birthday, a family reunion, a trip to Africa in the fall. Plans and schedules are a constant part of my days and much time is set aside for these various plans and life events that are sprinkled along the pages with the days of the year.
I am guilty. I have THOUGHT about my life plan and all the aspects I just mentioned since I can remember. I have always looked ahead, always thought about the next steps, and some would say that is simply being responsible. Don't get me wrong, we must be proactive with the gift of our lives, BUT this Easter season I cant seem to shake the thoughts of who ULTIMATELY is in charge of all of my plans. Jesus has the final say about my life, and so often I forget to consider Him in my planning, with my judgements, with my heart.
The Easter season is approaching, and for some reason it is resonating in a different way. A way that is more real, more exposed, and filled with more passionate feelings than I have had in months. Life has been very unexpected since I have recommited myself to Jesus and HIS plans for my life in the last 3-4 years. Simply put, the plans that I have tried to make regarding my future have always taken a dramatic 180 turn. I have known in my heart to always turn to Jesus when making decisions, but you know sometimes life takes you over, and you just don't communicate enough with Him. You don't set aside enough time to consider if you really are doing what God wants you to do.
I have found myself in this position time and time again. In these times, the only thing that snaps me out of the state of confusion about my life is when I am overcome with the Holy Spirit.

I need Jesus.
I need Him more than anything else in this world.
 My life without Him is nothing.

Many of you know I am no longer getting married. I have had many worrisome looks and words spoken to me about the situation, but to be honest Jesus is carrying the weight of it all. I have put my trust in Him, and He is the author of this decision. There have been no hard feelings and no choice words spoken. And that is only because of Jesus' hand being behind it all.  Obedience is honored by Him, and I know because of my obedience to Him He will honor the decision that has been made.

"I have been crucified with Christ- I don't live, Christ lives in me." Galations 2:20
I am alive and well because of the truth behind this verse. Christ lives in me and I am honored that a fire has been set in my heart to burn His Light.
Jesus knows the plans of my life. He already has everything scheduled out. He knows EXACTLY what each day holds, who I will meet, who I will bump into at Greyhouse, what friend will help me in a time of need, who will pray over me at church.

He knows everything about me. He also knows everything about you.
This Easter season at church, my pastor is focusing on the bad news, before the Good News.
Jesus was my substitute. He also was yours. He took our place on the cross, to die a death that none of us could handle. He died and endured more than we could ever wrap our minds around because He loves us more than words can explain.
I think of all the people I love most in life. Jesus loves me more than all of the love I have for them combined. We don't strive for holiness to get "right" with God.  Our works don't impress God.
God doesn't love me more because I've been to Africa to help others. He doesn't love me more because of services I offer to Him. God didn't need to make me; breathe me into existence. He didn't need any more glory. He made me because He loves me and wants glory and love from me.
I run after holiness because I see what it cost Jesus. We need to run after holiness because we love Jesus.
I urge you to open up the Bible and read about what Jesus did for you; for all of us. His plans have been and always will be. Don't ever doubt that His ways are better than yours.

He is the author of our stories.
Trust Him. Invite Him to write yours.

Are you really a follower or just a fan?

Well… I sure have missed this place. This place I find myself in: a quiet house, a peaceful moment, with nothing on my mind. No pressing issues, my homework done for the week, and NO AGENDA.
Yes, I said homework. ALOT has happened since my last post.
QUICK RECAP:

1. I have a new job. And I might add I LOVE it. I could write a whole blog about how amazing Cornerstone is and how incredibly supportive my co-workers are, but I'll save that for another time.

2. I am in grad school. Between projects, tests, homework, and working full time I have found little time to devote to writing. Tonight I just HAD to sit down and let it all out! :)

3. I am buying a house! :) Should be closing in the next two weeks! It's in West Lafayette, close to both of our parents!


So, yes, when I mean alot has happened since my last blog post in Decemeber..
ALOT. HAS. HAPPENED.
Alot has been happening in my life ever since I really commited my life to Jesus about 3 years ago. I scan the blog entries I have written and they simply amaze me. God amazes me with His faithfulness He displays by simply expressing Himself through my life and His blessings He has given me.
It's funny because my whole life I grew up thinking I knew who God was and what it meant to be a "Christian". To be honest, for YEARS, I simply thought saying the words, " I believe in Jesus" and actually believing those words meant that I was a "Christian". I thought my actions and having relatively high morals set me apart as a "Christian". I thought attending church somewhat regularly and having a few verses memorized meant I was a "Christian".

Tonight I was cleaning and I came across two books, oddly placed next to each other; an old journal dated Freshman Year 2006 and Not A Fan by Kyle Idleman. And when I tell you I never remember the old journal, I seriously don't remember it at all. I don't remember writing in it, I don't remember even seeing the turquoise leather bound book, EVER. Not A Fan was a Christmas gift this year, so it was shocking to me that a journal from my freshman year of college was next to it.
I skimmed through the pages, reading bible verses, prayers, and sermon notes/FCA notes I had taken at Mizzou when I lived in the dorms.
One page really stuck out to me. Not necessarily because of the words written on the page, but the words that were written at the time they were written. College was a very tough time for me; nothing I expected. Looking back on it, I felt that God wasn't there with me and that I was very distant from him with all my time being consumed with gymnastics.
The journal is dated July 30th, 2007.
To give you alittle background, I had just finished my freshman season; one that I had gotten my coach fired for sexual harassment and my head coach was threatening to pull my scholarship for the next year. It was a VERY stressful time for me. I remember feeling very alone and lost.
Here are the words written on the page:
"Church yesterday was an anwser to prayers. It made me look at my life with a perspective that I haven't been able to see in a very long time. I have most certainly been blinded for quite some time about my life and how I am living it. This summer I have been making excuses for myself; comparing how I was living to how others live, which in turn made me look as if I were living much better than most people. Truthfully I am at a a very low point in my life, or was until now. I have been so wrapped up in EARTHLY things, so wrapped up that I haven't devoted any time to what really matters. You God. I have come to realize you Lord have been missing from my days. I have pushed you out. Lord, Help me to realize you are in control of my life, and you alone are in charge."
I don't remember ever journaling in college, especially journaling prayers and confessions to God about how I was living my life.
What amazes me most about this entry is God's faithfulness prevailing. It's been 7 years since that low point I talked about on July 30th, 2007. I'd love to say that after that prayer and hitting that low point I dramatically changed my life and gave it all over to Jesus. I hit an even LOWER point, 3 years later after that, but since that honest prayer entry God was at work. God never stopped working, and He used all that happened within all those 7 years to get me to where I am now, which brings me to my next point.
If you haven't read Not A Fan, I highly recommend it. I'm reading it for the second time. My journal entry clearly shows that I was missing something; searching for something. God was at work in my heart and I was reaching out, trying to figure out what exactly was misisng.
One would have looked at my life and said, "Meghann isn't missing a thing." I had a full ride scholarship at a D1 school. I was doing the sport I loved, and studying and learning. I had the support of a loving faily. I was 19, with the world at my finger tips. I could choose to be anything I wanted to be, yet I was reaching out to God because I was missing something. How did I know I was missing something?

I believe we all know that we are missing something. We aren't living the lives we were meant to experience here on earth. Since the fall of Adam and Eve, we have been missing our direct connection to God, which I could explain in a whole different blog post. But through all the years of praying and searching for the anwser to what that void in my life was, God has finally brought me to the place I am now; having that right, intimate relationship with Him that I never knew was possible.

I don't just say, "I'm a christian, I believe in Jesus." I show with my life, my actions that Jesus is everything I have. I'm not sure exactly how to explain it, but for me, Jesus is the reason I wake up in the  morning, the reason I love my job, and the reason why I will be a great mother and wife someday. Jesus has allowed me to see Him, feel Him, and bring Him to people around the world. I'm not just a FAN of Him, putting a Jesus fish sticker on the back of a car, I'm a true follower.

I get it. FINALLY. I can see. I notice the little things. I appreciate more. I love more.
It has been a process. I have grown apart from people I have known my whole life. People have thought the changes were too drastic, but God has prevailed. He has been faithful. He has brought me friends that do understand and support. He has brought understanding to family. And he continues to change my heart and to teach me things I never knew about myself, about Him, and about how to live this life that isn't even mine.

I think all of us as humans just want to figure out what our purpose is in this lifetime. Why are we here?What am I here to do on this earth? I'm here for Him, to show others and teach others about Him. I'm not perfect and it just shows how amazing God is that He uses ordinary women like me when you accept His invitation to be used for Him.
I'm in awe of what He has done and what He contnues to do. I have experienced more in my short 26 years of life than I could have ever dreamed. I have done things I am incapable of doing alone.
And that is exactly why I know it is God.

I'm not a fan.
I'm His follower.

Who are you; just a fan, or His follower?

Lord, I pray for those reading these words that you would open up their eyes, ears, and heart to know you more. Speak into their lives and let them know why they are here; what their purpose is. Help them to feel your love. To know you are real; walking with them every second of their days.
It's so easy to forget you are there; to forget what truly is important. Thank you for your never ending love and undeserving grace.

Much love,
Meg